Crumble Co.
Product Stories
Kansas-based Crumble Co. (which has since rebranded as Bewilderment) hired me to write a series of product descriptions that were every bit as colorful and imaginative as its wildly popular home fragrance, bath and skincare offerings.
Oh. My. God. Whose hands are those? They CAN’T be mine, can they?
If you woke up one morning and realized that you have the hands of an 18th century washerwoman, you need Cuticle Custard™, ASAP.
Cuticle Custard™ helps erase the damage that COVID did to your hands, as if all that sanitizing and hand-washing never happened. (It did. Keep up the good work, please and thank you.)
12.8x thicker than regular lotion, Cuticle Custard™ is a naturally scented, PH-balanced, bona fide wonder cream. Jojoba oil, aloe vera, and glycerin help lock in moisture, while Vitamin C nourishes your cuticles from the inside. A small dab of custard on each fingertip is enough for all-day, skin-loving goodness, even in high hand-washing situations—so you can say buh-bye to frayed and crunchy cuticles.
Your hands will look and feel so good, you might be tempted to Google “how to become a hand model.”
Just sayin’.
Fuck depression. Seriously, fuck that shit.
This whole year is a dumpster fire, your house smells like sweat socks and stale takeout (because who even goes outside anymore?), and your brain is a knuckle-dragging troll that’s actively trying to club you to death with your own fears and anxieties.
It’s a three-ring circus set in Hell.
You know what might make you feel better? Some goddamned aromatherapy, that’s what. Something that smells so good—like fresh bergamot, white tea, and ginger root—that it reminds you that the world beyond your own walls can be pretty fucking magical.
Before you know it, the world inside your four walls doesn’t seem that bad, either.
Goodbye, sweat socks and stale takeout.
Adios, knuckle-dragging troll.
And that dumpster fire? It’s actually kind of pretty, if you think about it.
The future smells bright.
Some days, you just want to hit the reset button.
Do-over. Can’t even. Pull the covers over your head.
No matter what kind of day you’ve had, Safe Space transports you to your happy place. A place where life can’t touch you (for a little while, at least). Soothing vanilla against a backdrop of raspberry, pineapple, and citrus create a fragranced halo of security around you.
Imagine…
Reading a book inside a blanket fort lit by twinkle lights.
Cuddling up with someone you love to watch your favorite movie.
Your dream person handing you an ice cream sundae and saying, “I made this for you just because. While you enjoy it, can I give you a back massage?”
It’s like an ASMR video in scent form—you’ll instantly feel more peaceful and relaxed.
Safe Space, whisk me away!
Grab the mail—sanitize.
Touch a doorknob—sanitize.
Put your grocery cart away—definitely sanitize.
Chances are, you’re very aware of everything you touch these day—and you’re probably cleaning your hands way more than ever.
While it’s the smart thing to do, using hand sanitizer whenever you can’t wash can be really hard on your skin. Which is why you need a better kind of cleanser.
Five2ndRule is a gentle, rinse-free hand wash with soothing aloe, vegan glycerin, skin-friendly vitamins and 70% alcohol.
With so many of your favorite Crumble Co. scents to choose from, cleaning your hands will become something you actually look forward to doing.
Five2ndRule. Your hands will thank you. So will your nose.
Oh, my gourd, you’re so excited to start the day.
You leap out of bed. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping. Into the shower, singing at the top of your lungs.
Yeppity yep!
Get dressed in your favorite outfit, then off to the kitchen. Hmm, what should you eat? You open the cabinet and see it: a cereal that’s every bit as cheerful as you are. (It’s a whole mood.)
Today is going to be great.
With notes of strawberry, orange, lemon, and lime, Frootie Loopers will give you an instant burst of happy energy (high vibes, minus the sugar—you’re sweet enough as is).
Remember that scene in Clueless where Cher dumps an entire roll of refrigerated cookie dough on a baking sheet so that the house would smell irresistible (and then promptly forgets it’s in the oven)? #firehazard
Whether you’re planning an elaborate seduction of your secret crush—you do you, we won’t judge—or you just want to channel some serious birthday vibes, there’s a much easier way to make your home (or yourself!) smell great.
Blueberry Cupcake fills your environment with the delicious scent of baked goods—without the calories, a sink full of dishes, or, you know, torching an entire batch of cookies.
Our mouthwatering take on a bakery classic. Rich yellow cake studded with blueberries and orange zest, topped with a fluffy vanilla frosting. Because every day is a reason to celebrate
Move over, shower gel, bath time just got way more luxurious. Crumble Co.’s Bath Frosting is a gently exfoliating whipped soap suitable for everyday use. With a creamy texture, drool-worthy scents, and deeply hydrating ingredients like vegetable glycerin, Vitamin E, and sugar, Bath Frosting is a treat for your senses and your skin. Formulated without microbeads, parabens, or harsh chemicals (we don’t play that way), just skin-loving ingredients for a smooth new you.
Custom made at Crumble Co. HQ and hand piped into each jar, Bath Frosting looks and smells so good, you may be tempted to eat it. But, like, don’t. It’s soap. For real, that’s gross.
Crumb Coal is an all-in-one facial cleanser, scrub, and moisturizing mask with the clarifying benefits of activated charcoal and Kunzea essential oil. Native to Australia and Tasmania, Kunzea is a woody shrub with medicinal properties that are similar to tea tree oil but is gentler on the skin and has a fresh, woody scent you’ll adore.
Why all the fuss about activated charcoal? In a nutshell, charcoal is the carbon that’s left over when something (like wood, bamboo, or peat) is burned. When that carbon is activated—exposed to steam—it increases the surface area of the molecules, allowing them to grab onto dirt, oil, and whatever else is standing between you and your best skin ever. Say goodbye to acne, blackheads and dry spots and hello to soft, glowing skin!
Crumb Coal is hands down our favorite product of the year and we know you’ll love it, too. You’re just 12 minutes away from the smoothest skin of your life with results that last for days.
To use: massage Crumb Coal into your skin for two minutes, then let the mask sit for ten minutes. Rinse with warm water, pat dry, and take in the sight of your gorgeous mug.
How to pass the time while the mask does its work:
1. Sip some CBD seltzer and listen to Tibetan singing bowls on YouTube.
2. Lay quietly with slices of cucumber over your eyes.
3. Scroll your favorite puppy influencers on Instagram.
Idk, whatever feels most relaxing to you. Treat yo’self!
Luckily, you don’t have to be on Santa’s naughty list to find this sweetheart of a mask in your stocking come Christmas morning. Stock up while they last—get one for yourself and another for your favorite Scrooge.
It’s like a genie in a bottle (that is, assuming what you wish for is gorgeous skin).
A facial minus the fuss, Crumble Co. Face Mists revive dehydrated skin to give you a dewy glow.
Great for normal, dry, combination, and oily skin types, our Face Mists are conveniently packaged so that you can use them wherever and whenever your skin need a boost.
While they aren’t actually magic, Crumble Co. Face Mists work so well that you’ll swear that they are—it’s a whole new world of skincare.
Why you’ll love it:
Pure aloe vera boosts your skin’s suppleness.
Hydrating, smoothing hyaluronic acid attracts moisture.
Witch hazel tightens and soothes.
Vitamin E locks in moisture and protects against premature signs of aging.
Vegan glycerin gives skin a long-lasting glow.
Comes in your favorite Crumble scents for an instant dose of happiness!
Anxiety.
Sometimes it’s the static fuzzing the signal of your everyday life. Other times, it’s the cast of Drumline wailing away in time with your pounding heart and racing thoughts.
Either way, you’ve got better things to do than to sit captive to the obnoxious ear worm of anxiety.
For those days when your body feels chaotic and you wish someone would fold you into a hug and tell you everything’s going to be okay, there’s Fuck Anxiety.
With notes of warm vanilla and fresh linen, Fuck Anxiety is like a warm blanket and a cup of chamomile tea. Like a deep tissue massage for your brain. Like a giant teddy bear giving your neuroses the finger.
Inhale comfort, exhale stress. You’ve got this covered.
Underwires that dig.
Too-tight straps and bands that rub in all the wrong places.
Sweat in unmentionable places.
And heaven forbid you attempt any, ahem, vigorous movements.
Luckily, there’s relief for the bouncy. Happy Boobies is a petroleum-free, vegan salve that helps relieve the itching, discomfort, and irritation caused by chafing. With nourishing ingredients like organic shea butter, aloe, lemon peel oil, castor oil, Vitamin E, cocoa butter and chamomile, Happy Boobies soothes as it protects, leaving your skin soft and irritation-free. Infused with a blend of ginger and white tea, Happy Boobies has a light, natural fragrance you’ll love.
And it’s not just for the twins, either—Happy Boobies works wonders on thunder thighs and anywhere else you experience chafing. In fact, it works so well for all kinds of bodies and all kinds of body parts, your significant other may be tempted to steal yours. (So, skip the fight and just get two, amirite?)
Happy Boobies will make you feel so good in your own skin that you’ll be bopping around like an extra in a Jane Fonda video in no time.
You glow, girl!
No, really, you’re radiant. Geez, where are my sunglasses?
CrumGlow is an all-natural, hydrating face oil that tightens pores and locks in moisture for well-balanced skin and an all-day glow everyone will notice. Use CrumGlow in place of moisturizer or mix with your foundation for smooth-as-butter coverage.
This powerhouse formula delivers megawatt radiance and softness thanks to sunflower seed oil. Cultivated by indigenous American populations for more than five thousand years, sunflower seed oil has long been prized for its skin-soothing and -improving properties. Naturally rich in emollients, vitamins, antioxidants, and omega-6 fatty acids, sunflower seed oil flights inflammation, protects against premature aging, combats acne-causing bacteria, and helps your skin retain moisture. Sweet orange essential oil, lime essential oil, grapefruit essential oil, and fragonia essential oil give CrumGlow a sweet, mood-boosting scent while packing an antioxidant and antimicrobial punch.
Used regularly, CrumGlow will give your complexion the luminous quality you associate with cartoon princesses and people who own yachts.
Your friend just texted you—
you there?
coming over rn
Which is awesome (who doesn’t love company?), except rn, your place is a mess—shoes all over the front hall, clothes draped on the TV, dirty dishes on every available surface. Whoops! Who’s up for some speed hiding, err, cleaning?
Also? Things are smelling less than fresh—definite whiffs of your fur baby, Captain Fluffypants.
Then you remember that you’ve got Crumble-2-Go. Just a few sprays and your apartment is transformed into an aromatherapy oasis.
In fact, it smells so good that you no longer care about the mess. (Let ‘em see, it’s part of your charm.)
Your favorite Crumble Co. scents are now portable. With Crumble-2-Go, you get long-lasting, irresistible fragrance wherever and whenever you need it. Try it as a room spray, in your sock drawer, as a hair freshener, in the car, or even as a body spray.
Wax Melts
Gone are the days of methodically dipping bits of string into vats of rendered tallow to make candles so that you can ward off the unrelenting darkness of those long, winter evenings (which you will then spend darning socks while Pa reads aloud from the scriptures, naturally).
Basically, candles are yesterday’s news—wax melts are where it’s at. In the era of artificial light, we just want our homes to smell nice, damn it. In this crazy, mixed up world, can we at least agree on that much?
Why We’re the Internet’s Favorite Wax Melts
· Dozens of fun scents
· Even funner names (not a real word—still true, though)
· American-sourced soy, oils, and packaging
· Non-toxic, phthalate-free fragrances
· Safe around kiddos and fuzzy friends
· Each package lasts 7x longer than an 8 oz. candle
· Our secret soy blend releases aroma consistently and throws far in most wax warmers
While we pride ourselves on being unruly, one place we hate seeing rebellion is in our skin.
If you’re battling dry spots, irritation, or maskne, Clarity Cure is the product for you. 3.5x stronger than a standard facial hydration product or mist, Clarity Cure is a powerful but gentle facial serum, with an unscented formula that’s calming and healing enough for even the most sensitive skin. When used as directed for 30 days, Clarity Cure will reveal clearer, more luminous skin. (Ahh, that’s more like it.)
Small enough to fit in any purse, Clarity Cure delivers ultimate skin hydration and conditioning, even on the go—perfect if you have to wear a mask for work.
How to use:
Cleanse face, then apply two to three spritzes of Clarity Cure to clean hands and gently massage onto face, avoiding the eye area.
Why you’ll love it:
· Pure aloe vera boosts your skin’s suppleness.
· Hyaluronic acid attracts moisture, hydrating and smoothing.
· Witch hazel tightens and soothes.
· Vegan glycerin gives skin a long-lasting glow.
Start your new skincare routine off right—use the Clarity Cure for 30 consecutive daysbefore transitioning to Crumble Co.’s other skincare products.